when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
