I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
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How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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