He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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