Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
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Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
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No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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