Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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