dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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