wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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