If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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