How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
