I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
