a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
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i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize