I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
