You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
