put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
