girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
