i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
