Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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