my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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