I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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