Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
