The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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