Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
