You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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