Got a toothbrush?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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