um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Randomize
