I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
