Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
