I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
