I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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