I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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