I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
