he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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