Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
