Im at strip club and am horny
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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