somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
