You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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