I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
