: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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