Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
