Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
