what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
