1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
