Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
