I met the friendliest cop last night
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
