The maid of honor just puked.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
