I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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