I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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