need another drink. this is the easiest way
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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