I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
