I am puke
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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