You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
