I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
