i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You are a genius and a whore.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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