Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm gonna fight the coyote
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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