woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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