please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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