a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
