I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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