I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
