whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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