Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
did i walk over a car last night?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
